


Adrift

by millygal



Series: Crimson [3]
Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 02:09:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10652757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/pseuds/millygal
Summary: Waiting to be swept away.





	Adrift

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last...and I mean last one in this series.

In amongst all the chaos and confusion, Ray's finally able to understand exactly where he is and what's happened. This new sense of 'waking' is almost worse than the perpetual blackness he's been swimming in ever since being admitted.

Gene's sat opposite him, telling him all about the squad, Sam's latest cock up, Annie's unrelenting quest to get the Guv to quit smoking. All things a normal person might want to know, but he's not normal. 

He's no longer just 'one of the lads', he's a jibbering, drooling idiot who keeps talking to visions of his dead lover and in the few moments of lucidity he gets a day, that knowledge is enough to send him back into the swirling pit of madness.

They've stopped medicating him so heavily, now that he's not trying to kill the orderlies or scream the building down. He learnt quickly enough, keep your head down and they leave you alone. Since he's not always doped up to the eyeballs, Chris's started to 'visit' again.

In the place where reality bleeds into insanity, Ray's aware that he's gone completely fucking bonkers. There's no other explanation. The thing is, he prefers confusion to coherency. 

When he's fully compos mentis, he has to live with the fact that Chris is never coming back and he's a wreck of a man. When he's in the grip of his illness, he can be with the man he loves, can see him and feel him, tell him how much he misses him.

It's so real at times that Ray completely forgets he's surrounded by men and woman who no longer have a place in society. He forgets that he's one of them.

There are times when one reality soaks into the next.

Gene sits in front of him, talking a lot and saying next to nothing and Ray can see Chris waving and smiling over the Guv's shoulder. It takes all his self restraint not to wave back.

Sometimes Gene'll be sat one side of him and Chris'll be sat the other. When that happens, he has to fight to keep his eyes focused on the guy that's actually there rather than the figment of his grieving imagination.

What hurts the most is he can see how much he's getting to Gene. Just being there, semi conscious, is ripping at the Guv. Ray understands Gene's need to continue his weekly visits but he wishes, with all his heart, that he'd just stop. He's tried telling him that, tried explaining how much he doesn't want the pity or time but the man's so pig headed he refuses to hear him.

While Ray sits on his arse being force fed drugs and drip fed his meals, Gene's wasting away. He's lost weight, there are dark circles under his eyes and when he looks at Ray, there's a shadow, hovering.

Ray wishes there was a switch he could flip to turn off this reality and he'd happily live in the other. The one where Chris isn't gone and he's not a complete waste of space.

Finally, Gene seems to have run out of things to say and he stands, pats Ray awkwardly on the shoulder and leaves.

Ray watches him go, closes his eyes and sighs. How long until this is just a mass of shapes in his splintered memory? It shouldn't take long. He's never with it for more than a few hours. As his mind takes a detour into the unknown, he finds himself looking forward to the peace and company it'll provide.

******

Gene's phone rings and he picks it up, expecting to hear Sam whining about him being late. Instead, an overly polite voice asks if he can come to the hospital Ray's been 'staying' at, it's urgent.

His heart hammers in his chest and he can't quite focus on anything in his office. After replacing the receiver, he takes a moment to calm his nerves. It can't be anything too bad, right? They'd have told him over the phone. Except, they wouldn't would they 'cos he never delivers bad news to the families of victims that way. He always makes sure to tell them face to face.

Gene's never prayed his whole life. He's never had cause to, not believing in all that bollocks, but he prays now. Sends silent supplication to whatever or whoever might be listening that he's wrong and it's something ridiculously simple.

Grabbing his coat, legging it out the office, he doesn't bother saying anything. There's no one there that'll really miss him now anyway.

******

"Raymond Carling killed himself this afternoon" 

Gene's entire universe tilts. Ray...he can't be, it's not, how is this even.., "You're 'sposed to be lookin' after him. Watchin' him. How the fuck, what the 'ell...how!"

The doctor's voice is muffled as Gene rests his head against the wall and concentrates on not throwing up.

"He was found in the showers, throat cut"

Gene scrapes his nails against the wall, gouging little lines into the brickwork.

Murder, has to be murder, no one slits their own throat, "He couldn't 'ave, I mean it's not possible..is it?"

The doctor's voice is cold, unfeeling, like he's delivering a weather report, not telling Gene that another one of his closest friends is dead, "In some cases, the person's head will fall forward, stemming the flow but with Ray, that didn't happen...and yes, I'm afraid, it's entirely possible"

"How did he even get a hold of anythin' to...." Gene stumbles forward, latches onto the doctor's white coat and shakes him violently "...you were 'sposed to be lookin' after him you fuckin' useless piece of sh..."

The bottom drops out of Gene's world, his stomach hits his shoes and he collapses in a heap the doctor's feet. Rocking and mumbling, Gene can still hear the almost bored tone in the doctor's voice and it makes him want to tear off his head and spit down his neck.

Ray's..Ray's gone. Ray's upped and fucked off and left Gene to deal with the aftermath and he's so bloody angry at him. He feels guilty for it but he's consumed with the need to shout and scream at him, tell him what a selfish prick he is.

Somewhere at the back of his mind, Gene'd known that Ray wasn't gonna recover but he'd never thought...it's so final. Not turning back. 

Did he not see it, were the signs there and he just chose to ignore them in favour of papering over the cracks?

Gene's brain flips over and over leaving him dizzy and unable to understand what it is he's supposed to do but he can still hear the bloke in the white coat going on above him.

"He must have gotten hold of a knife from somewhere.."

Gene's natural instincts take over and he's on his feet and in the doctor's face, pushing and shoving, yelling at him because he doesn't have anyone else to yell at.

"You don't know! What good are you, you stinkin' piece of...you might as well 'ave given him a rope an' directed him to the nearest light fittin'."

Calmly, the doctor pushes against Gene's chest until he releases him and slumps backwards.

"I wanna see him"

"Mr Hunt, I don't think that's a good id..."

"I want to see him!"

He raises his hands in surrender and motions for Gene to follow.

******

He's led into a dank little room that makes him feel instantly claustrophobic. The air is scented heavily with disinfectant but he can still smell the underlying stench of death. The thought of Ray, left alone in the dark in this room makes him want to vomit.

He's shaking, actually physically shaking. He hasn't been this frightened in a long time. Not since he'd had to identify the body of his junkie brother.

The difference between then and now is Gene's had years of seeing dead bodies, of watching families falling apart in places just like this. He shouldn't be, it shouldn't be so hard. Ray is, was, the closest thing he had to family. They've been in and out of each other's lives for so long, Gene's not sure how he's supposed to cope.

The doctor walks to a bank of metal doors layered into the wall and Gene realises, with sickening clarity, that they're in the hospital's morgue. As the doctor runs a finger along the identity plaques, Gene clamps down on the fear and steels himself.

He can't just walk away, he's got to..has to say good bye, to try and understand why and how and none of these are questions he'll have answered by looking at Ray's cold dead body but he needs to do this. 

As the draw's pulled out, Gene sees an indistinct lump under a sheet and his throat burns with the need to cry out, to rage against...everything.

"Are you sure you..."

"Yes"

"Fine, I'll leave you alone. Just, come back out when you're done"

He peels the sheet away from Ray's face and Gene feels his knees buckle but he manages to hold himself up long enough for the doctor to disappear from the room. When he's sure he's alone, he stumbles forward, clutches the material in his hand and lowers it far enough to see exactly what Ray's done to himself.

It's masochistic but he's got to know, see for himself.

As the angry red slash across Ray's throat is revealed, Gene begins to cry. Silent tears that come from somewhere deep in his soul. The cut's ragged and untidy, doesn't reach the entire way across his flesh, like he got so far and couldn't carry on.

Gene almost reaches out to touch it but shoves his hand in his pocket to stop himself.

Pulling his eyes away from Ray's throat, he lets them rest on his face. There's a small smile on Ray's lips and he looks...peaceful. For the first time in months he looks completely at peace and Gene feels the rage drain away.

Looking at him now, it's as if he's sleeping and Gene hopes he's having pleasant dreams. Wherever he may be.

Leaning down, brushing his lips gently against Ray's forehead, Gene lets a few tears drip onto his skin before straightening and walking away.

******

Gene's sitting in Ray's room, just feeling the presence of a man who's been a part of his life for as long as he can remember, when the doctor knocks quietly on the door and walks in.

"He left this"

Gene looks up, sees the crumpled piece of paper in his hand and his heart does a double beat, "What is it?"

"A letter, it's addressed to you. We haven't, we're not allowed but..here"

He pushes it toward Gene who reaches out to take it with a shaking hand. He hovers for a moment then Gene pins him with a look and he scurries away.

Before unfolding the paper, Gene closes his eyes and conjures up images of Ray, laughing and smiling, pint in hand, Chris at his side, light in his eyes.

'Gene,

It's been years since I wrote a letter. Had to choose now didn't I?

Look, while my mind ain't playing tricks on me, just wanted to let you know...I'm going home. I'll miss you but, I miss him more.

Remember me.

Ray'

 


End file.
